After my post the other day on Rep. Weiner's debacle, one of my friends posted the following in my Facebook comments:
I knew you were a brave man, but broaching this topic makes you braver or crazy. Not sure which...
I responded, "Maybe a little bit of both."
But I did some thinking about my friend's comment. Some serious thinking, and I began to wonder why saying the things I said in my blog would be considered crazy. And I wondered if it was because I was willing to "tell it like it is" to be brutally honest about the way the majority of men function.
Believe me, I know the way men are expected to be. An entire culture has sprung up which reacted against the macho, male dominated cultures of the past where women were objects to be seen and not heard, and where they were supposed to remain at home: barefoot, pregnant, and satisfied to do nothing more than watch the children and cook for their spouse. Men were almost given free reign to do whatever they wanted, and that wasn't necessarily a good thing. So, instead of the male domineering, macho type, men were coached to be more considerate, more loving, to get in touch with their feminine side. Not necessarily a bad thing, but the problem is, I'm not feminine. I am masculine. There are small amounts of estrogen which flow through my body, but the overriding hormone is testosterone. Period. Can't change that. At all.
Which means exactly what now a days? Now, that's a tough question to answer. Gender roles today are not so well defined. I spoke a little bit about a time period not so long ago. Perhaps the only good thing about this time was that gender roles were very defined. Men knew their place, and women knew what they should be doing. (I'm not saying the roles were good. I am saying, folks understood them.)
That is a far cry from the way things are today in gender relations. Men and women struggle with what is expected from them. Many function in a great cloud of unknowing trying to figure out what they should or should not be doing.
For instance, I know of men who have positioned themselves to open a door for a woman only to be rebuked for their act of kindness/chivalry. Yours truly continues to open doors in such a fashion, even though he has never personally suffered such a rebuke, and I wouldn't stop if someone did such a thing. Such courtesy is deeply ingrained in me no matter the consequences. But, for men who are more sensitive, they are left scratching their heads in bewilderment that their act of kindness receives a tongue lashing.
From the other perspective: my wife is happy to stay at home and raise our children. Yet, there are those who tell her that she is unfulfilled and not reaching her potential by not working outside the home. Really? When we have visited about such things, she will often talk about how rewarding it is to stay with the kids, but she still feels that pull by those who criticize women who stay at home to care for their families.
This lack of definition in gender roles leads to all kinds of issues in marriage. Oftentimes couples wed , and they each have expectations of the other. Because there is no defined standard, the first year of marriage is often very, very troublesome as the couple works to define their expectations of how each is to function. Many times such issues are never worked out, and the long term result is the big D (and I don't mean Dallas).
Looking at the way the world functions, I don't think we will ever come back to the time where gender roles are fully defined by society. There will be continued attempts, but I'm not sure they will ever be successful. Instead, individual family units will have to work diligently to define those roles.
But here is where the sticky part comes in. Most of the time, we are not satisfied to allow individuals to define their own roles. We are not satisfied to allow men and women to define themselves and who they are. Most of the time we want to tell others how they should act and what they should do.
"Get in touch with your feminine side! Then you will be a real man!"
Whatever.
Here's a little secret: I'm not worried about my feminine side. I'm perfectly happy being a man. I'm perfectly happy taking responsibility for providing for my family and taking responsibility for my actions (BTW, I believe this is the sign of a real man. Sexual conquests do not make anyone more masculine. Neither do large muscles. Neither do muscle cars, even though I own one.). I'm perfectly happy treating women with respect and dignity. I do not consider women the "weaker" sex by any extreme. I consider women helpers and partners, and I try to allow each individual woman to define herself as she sees fit. I do not put any expectations upon my wife to work or stay at home--that is her choice, and I am raising my daughters to be strong, competent little girls, young ladies, and women who will have the choice to decide what they want to do with life and who they want to be. It is not my job to tell them what to become, but to give them the tools and then respect them enough when they make their own choices.
Biblically, my family adheres to the "man is the head of the house" stuff. Yep, that Ephesians text does govern us. You know, the one that drives some women absolutely nuts:
21Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 2324Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
This doesn't mean I dominate and tell my wife what to do. Remember the writer here tells husbands to love their wives and to give themselves up for their wives as Christ gave himself up for the church. This means, I do not make a single important decision without consulting my wife. We're in this as a team, but the ultimate responsibility falls on my shoulders. This also means I cherish her thoughts and hopes and desires. I want what is best for her, and I can only know that by being in communication with her. As she defines her hopes and wants and desires, I want to encourage her, help her achieve those things, and help her to be the person she feels God is calling her to be. And if I have to, I will lay down my life for her, no questions asked. Ephesians doesn't tell women to do that, only men. Only men have a call to die for women, that's how much respect they are due.
Now, I'm being brutally honest in how I view such matters. I'm being brutally honest in how my wife and I define our relationship. I'd bet a dollar to a hole in a donut it doesn't meet the expectations of some readers. I'll bet a dollar to a hole in a donut there would be some who would read the above statements and think I am nothing more than a male, chauvinist pig. Well, I respect your right to hold that sort of judgment upon me. But I truly am not worried about it. My family and I have hammered out our roles, and they have worked well for 15 years thus far. We are committed to continue to make them work together, and they are up for negotiation if necessary. This is our reality and it works, and we will take what works over anyone else's expectations.
That's the honest truth.
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