Some Humbling Lessons I am Learning

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Some in my church know this.  Most probably do not.

I've shed more tears in the past couple of days than I've shed in a while.  Most of it is grief driven.

Lesson #1.  I have a breaking point.

Lesson #2.  I'm very close to it.

Perhaps it's because I've broken one of those cardinal rules they try to give you in your training.  "Don't get too close to your people.  Keep a professional distance."  That's pretty easy to do if you stay in a place for a couple of years, but when you are in a long-term pastorate, guess what happens?  You really start to care for your people.  I mean, if you actually follow St. Paul's admonition about the Body of Christ in 1 Corinthians 12:26, this will inevitably happen.  And when you care for your people and suffer with them, it takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And when your congregation gets on one of those freaky runs of illness, injury, and death, it drains you--badly.  I'm there.

Lesson #3: The Shepherd analogy for pastors works.

I was warned about this one as well.  "There's only One Shepherd and one flock.  You are not a shepherd."  Sometimes, the caveat was we as clergy were sheep dogs.  Perhaps apt, but I've come to disagree.  My thoughts: There is only One Good Shepherd and a whole bunch of inadequate imitations.  Jesus says His sheep listen to His voice, and He calls them all by name.  He also says He lays His life down for the sheep, and He's willing to leave the 99 to search out the one.  Sometimes, we clergy actually try to do all those things.  I've been trying, and I have found out just how hard it is.  When you are in charge of a flock and you work diligently to guard it and you learn the names of the sheep, and you endeavor to keep the flock together for safety's sake and for the health of the flock, you become invested in the flock.  Sometimes you think the flock is all yours and you forget about them belonging to the Good Shepherd.  You want to keep all the sheep together because they are your pride and joy, but you forget that sheep can become a part of other little flocks with other shepherds.  As far as I know, sheep dogs don't mourn the loss of sheep.  Shepherds do, especially if they have spent time with those sheep and worked with them a lot.  Whether by death or by leaving, there is pain when sheep leave.    And there's not much you can do about it.

Lesson #4:  There is One Good Shepherd, and I am an inadequate imitation.

Too many limitations.  Too much sinfulness. 

Lesson #5: There are myriads of possibilities to consider when trying to discern God's will in all of this.

This is most frustrating for me.  I can't figure it out, and I'm constantly scratching my head.  Some possibilities are very hopeful.  Others, not so much.  Haven't heard much of a peep out of the Big Guy regarding it.  Am trying to listen.