Yesterday was Father's Day, and my family treated me very well. There were several moments of reflection as it was the second Father's Day since my dad died, and I thought long and hard about how privileged I was to have had my dad.
He taught me how to be a father. It wasn't in classroom instruction or in long talks about what to do and what not to do with raising children, but it was with his actions; with his presence; with his discipline; with his forcing me to do things I didn't want to do. It was the right amount of challenge and love. It was pushing me beyond what I thought I could do.
I talked with my mom about one of those times. We were reflecting on how old her house is. They moved into it in 1980, and there are numerous things in need of repair. But we reflected on when it was being built. And while it was being constructed--a project that we did on our own--I had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Dad made me get on the roof.
You can laugh all you want. I don't care. It scared the bejeezus out of me. I'm five years old and terrified of heights. Terrified. Still get queazy. Dad made me get up on the roof as we were installing the plywood decking. I'm sitting up there crying my eyes out. I want down. My sister is up there having the time of her life while I'm white as a sheet. Dad wouldn't let me down. Dad made me stay up there. He wouldn't let me down until I drove a nail in the plywood and hammered it into a stud. Have you ever tried to swing a hammer while you were bawling your eyes out? Bet you haven't. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I did it. And I got down off that roof as fast as my shaking legs would let me down that ladder.
A day or so later, dad had me get back on that roof. Wasn't thrilled with the proposition. Still scared. But took a few steps. Didn't shed any tears. Tentatively made made my way around as decking was completed and tar paper was being nailed in place.
A day or so later, when shingles were being installed, dad had me up there once again. This time, I helped out. I was walking around the roof. Progress.
Now, I have no problem up on roofs. I can manage it. Even enjoy it.
Some would argue that dad shouldn't have done that to me. They would say that he pushed me too hard and that I should have been allowed to go at my own pace. You are entitled to your opinion. My dad was doing something that needed to be done: he made me face my fears. He made me overcome them. He made me become more of a man--at five years old. He made me find something important: courage.
I've had to call on that courage numerous times in my adult life. It has helped me face situations that I otherwise might have cowered from--especially as a father. Now, I am working to pass that same courage onto my children. They aren't always happy about it, but they are learning. And they are successfully facing things that they otherwise might have been willing to back away from if they hadn't had my influence.
Among some, what my dad did and what I am doing is called "toxic masculinity." I don't find it particularly toxic.
Although, let me be clear, I do think there is such a thing as toxic masculinity. I would prefer to call it immaturity, personally. It's men who act like boys. They treat others with disrespect and distain. They will look at women as objects meant to fulfill their own sexual gratification. They look down upon the weak and prey upon them. They believe that rules do not apply to them, and they are inherently selfish. That's toxic masculinity.
But here is the thing, at least from my perspective. The cure for toxic masculinity is not to make men feminine. That's not what needs to be changed. The noun does not need to be changed, the adjective does. Instead of toxic masculinity, we need healthy masculinity.
Femininity is not the opposite of masculinity. They are complimentary.
Healthiness is the opposite of toxicity. Plain and simple.
We need healthy masculinity. The studies are bearing that out, and they have borne that out for decades. Warren Farrell writes about it deeply in his book The Boy Crisis. Christina Hoff Summers also corroborates in her book The War Against Boys. They cite a plethora of studies that have been done on boys, men, and what the lack of fathers is doing in our society. Even more studies have shown how religion has been affected by the rejection of positive masculinity.
The world needs good men. Men who are responsible. Men who are willing to push others to do better than they thought they could otherwise. Men who are strong and who make others stronger. Men who teach courage. Men who teach honor. Men who teach respect.
It's time to man up.
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