On Toxic Masculinity

Yesterday was Father's Day, and my family treated me very well.  There were several moments of reflection as it was the second Father's Day since my dad died, and I thought long and hard about how privileged I was to have had my dad.  

He taught me how to be a father.  It wasn't in classroom instruction or in long talks about what to do and what not to do with raising children, but it was with his actions; with his presence; with his discipline; with his forcing me to do things I didn't want to do.  It was the right amount of challenge and love.  It was pushing me beyond what I thought I could do.

I talked with my mom about one of those times.  We were reflecting on how old her house is.  They moved into it in 1980, and there are numerous things in need of repair.  But we reflected on when it was being built.  And while it was being constructed--a project that we did on our own--I had one of the  most traumatic experiences of my life.  Dad made me get on the roof.  

You can laugh all you want.  I don't care.  It scared the bejeezus out of me.  I'm five years old and terrified of heights.  Terrified.  Still get queazy.  Dad made me get up on the roof as we were installing the plywood decking.  I'm sitting up there crying my eyes out.  I want down.  My sister is up there having the time of her life while I'm white as a sheet.  Dad wouldn't let me down.  Dad made me stay up there.  He wouldn't let me down until I drove a nail in the plywood and hammered it into a stud.  Have you ever tried to swing a hammer while you were bawling your eyes out?  Bet you haven't.  It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I did it.  And I got down off that roof as fast as my shaking legs would let me down that ladder.

A day or so later, dad had me get back on that roof.  Wasn't thrilled with the proposition.  Still scared.  But took a few steps.  Didn't shed any tears.  Tentatively made made my way around as decking was completed and tar paper was being nailed in place.

A day or so later, when shingles were being installed, dad had me up there once again.  This time, I helped out.  I was walking around the roof.   Progress.  

Now, I have no problem up on roofs.  I can manage it.  Even enjoy it.

Some would argue that dad shouldn't have done that to me.  They would say that he pushed me too hard and that I should have been allowed to go at my own pace.  You are entitled to your opinion.  My dad was doing something that needed to be done: he made me face my fears.  He made me overcome them.  He made me become more of a man--at five years old.  He made me find something important: courage.

I've had to call on that courage numerous times in my adult life.  It has helped me face situations that I otherwise might have cowered from--especially as a father.  Now, I am working to pass that same courage onto my children.  They aren't always happy about it, but they are learning.  And they are successfully facing things that they otherwise might have been willing to back away from if they hadn't had my influence.

Among some, what my dad did and what I am doing is called "toxic masculinity."  I don't find it particularly toxic.

Although, let me be clear, I do think there is such a thing as toxic masculinity.  I would prefer to call it immaturity, personally.  It's men who act like boys.  They treat others with disrespect and distain.  They will look at women as objects meant to fulfill their own sexual gratification.  They look down upon the weak and prey upon them.  They believe that rules do not apply to them, and they are inherently selfish.  That's toxic masculinity.

But here is the thing, at least from my perspective. The cure for toxic masculinity is not to make men feminine.  That's not what needs to be changed.  The noun does not need to be changed, the adjective does.  Instead of toxic masculinity, we need healthy masculinity.  

Femininity is not the opposite of masculinity.  They are complimentary.

Healthiness is the opposite of toxicity.  Plain and simple.

We need healthy masculinity.  The studies are bearing that out, and they have borne that out for decades.  Warren Farrell writes about it deeply in his book The Boy Crisis.  Christina Hoff Summers also corroborates in her book The War Against Boys.  They cite a plethora of studies that have been done on boys, men, and what the lack of fathers is doing in our society.  Even more studies have shown how religion has been affected by the rejection of positive masculinity.  

The world needs good men.  Men who are responsible.  Men who are willing to push others to do better than they thought they could otherwise.  Men who are strong and who make others stronger.  Men who teach courage.  Men who teach honor.  Men who teach respect.  

It's time to man up.

GLAADly Shooting Ducks and Boycotting A&E

Just step back for a minute.  Just a minute.

Don't try to judge whether or not Phil Robertson's comments were good, bad, or indifferent.  Don't make this about free speech or freedom of religion.  Don't try to judge whether or not A&E's decision to suspend Phil Robertson was good, bad, or indifferent.  Don't make it about someone trying to push a particular agenda.

Step back to try and grasp a big picture scene.  Try to see the competition between several worldviews clearly clashing in this ordeal.  There are at least three that I can see, probably more.

First: GLAAD's worldview and how it plays out:

“Phil and his family claim to be Christian, but Phil’s lies about an entire community fly in the face of what true Christians believe,” GLAAD spokesperson Wilson Cruz said in a statement. “He clearly knows nothing about gay people or the majority of Louisianans – and Americans – who support legal recognition for loving and committed gay and lesbian couples. Phil’s decision to push vile and extreme stereotypes is a stain on A&E and his sponsors who now need to reexamine their ties to someone with such public disdain for LGBT people and families.”

Essentially: if you do not agree with us, then you are unclean "a stain" and those who associate with such a person should reevaluate their "friendship status."  GLAAD also quite happily approved of A&E's decision to suspend Robertson affecting his financial status.

Worldview: Our way is the right way, and if you don't agree with us, there should be punitive measures taken to deal with you.

Second: The response by those supporting Phil:

Boycott A&E until they bring Phil back!  We have freedom of speech and freedom of religion!  Phil is suffering persecution by the PC police!

Worldview: If you do something to someone we care about, we will take retributive steps against you.

Third: Phil Robertson's worldview:

Homosexuality is a sin, and as a culture we have begun having a much higher tolerance for things the Bible calls sin.  However:

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job,” Robertson told GQ. “We just love ‘em, give ‘em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ‘em out later.”

and


“I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together.  “However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”

Essentially: I may disagree with you, but I can respect you without judgment.  We are all created in the image of God, and we would be better off if we loved God and loved each other.

Tell me, which worldview do you want to live in?

Note: There are considerably more worldviews out there.  For a worldview which is atheistic and pro-gay yet still take GLAAD and A&E to task calling for respect read here.

The Hardest Sermon: Published

Luke 6: 32-38

32 ‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.  Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.  37 ‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.’

    I think perhaps, this is one of the most difficult sermons I have ever had to deliver.  You may wonder why.

    This may come as a shock to some.  Those closest to Chris know this; most of you probably do not.  Heather was raised as a Christian, but as time went on, she eventually renounced her Christian faith and became an atheist.  I hate to be the one who breaks this news to many of you today, but it is true.  This puts me in a rather difficult position considering the world we live in today–and considering the love and respect that you all had for Heather.  Because what we have happening here this evening is a collision of worldviews.  We have the Christian worldview which many of us embrace, and we have the atheistic worldview which Heather and her husband embraced.  Each have very different understandings about what happens after death–understandings which are seemingly incompatible.  So, how do we reconcile such things?  Is it even possible?

    To begin, please allow me to quote Christian author and speaker Ravi Zacharias who said the following in his Veritas Lecture on the campus of U.C.L.A. in January of this year.  He says, “Whatever our worldview...whatever our convictions, because a conviction is different to an opinion–an opinion is something you have a preference for sort of a hierarchy of options and you make a choice this way somebody else makes a choice another way.  But a conviction is that which is then in many ways rooted in your very soul; it is in your conscience.  And to change a conviction will involve a changing of who you are as a person...And so, when two worldviews collide, when two convictions collide, the best thing that one can hope for is at least the cordiality with which we can disagree and the civility with which we can interact in the midst of that disagreement.”

    The cordiality to disagree and the civility to interact in the midst of that disagreement.  Is such a thing possible?  Is it possible for a Christian worldview and an atheistic worldview to cordially disagree and civilly interact?  Historically, I believe those of us who are Christians have not done such a good job of handling such things.  There are usually two avenues which are chosen by most Christians, and one comes across as very self-righteous and the other comes across as both self-righteous and wishy-washy.

    On the one hand, you have those who almost gleefully proclaim that those who do not believe in Jesus Christ are eternally damned.  Usually, they are quick to quote all of those Bible verses and quotations of Jesus and Paul and others which paint the eternal destination of those who do not believe in a none too positive light.  They use these verses as fearful motivation–trying to convince others to avoid the same fate,  repent and believe in Jesus Christ.  They use those verses to fearfully get those gathered to “get our stuff together” so that we don’t end up in such a horrid place.  I honestly believe the folks who preach in this manner are trying to promote the Kingdom of God.  I believe they are trying to win souls for that Kingdom.  However, whether they know it or not, they usually come across as self-righteous and sanctimonious and do more harm to Christianity than good.  I do not want to go down that road this evening.

    Then, on the other hand, there are those who quite willingly and quickly pronounce that it doesn’t matter what one believes or does not believe–all enjoy a trip to heaven to be with God.  In their desire to promote comfort and  to ease peoples' consciences, they will ignore the words of Jesus; the words of Paul; and other such comments in scripture.  They do not honor the closest witnesses to Jesus as reported in the Bible and so water down what is revealed in Scripture.  Convictions get thrown out the window.  But that is not the least of it.  For in proclaiming this particular worldview, such folks fail to honor or respect the beliefs, convictions, and worldviews of those who believe differently.  In effect, they say, “I don’t care that you believe you will just cease to exist when you die.  It doesn’t matter what you say, what I say about God is more important than your beliefs and understandings.”  As I look at such things, it seems rather disingenuous, and I do not want to travel down that road tonight either.

    And so, what does one do?  How does one handle such situations?  There is no doubt that Scripture reveals to us some very troubling words about those who do not believe in Christ.  There is no doubt that Scripture reveals to us some very disturbing words about those who renounce their faith.  I am not going to sugar coat those this evening, but I am also not going to gleefully proclaim them.  Instead, I am going to hold up the dynamic tension Jesus asks us to hold.

    For, you see, the same Jesus who spoke words of exclusivity announcing that He is the way and the truth and the life and that no one comes to the Father except through Him also said, “Do not judge and you will not be judged for with the measure you give, the same measure you will receive.”

    Jesus makes it quite clear to you and to me how we are to act toward anyone who does not share our particular beliefs.  He makes it quite clear how we are to proceed with those who have a different worldview.  “Do not judge for with the judgment you give, you will receive.”  In my estimation, this call is a call to humility as we interact with those who do not believe as we believe.  How?

    Well, it goes back to the core convictions and beliefs at the foundation of Christianity.  It goes back to the fact that we all deserve judgment.  We all deserve God’s anger at us for we do not live according to His commands.  Take a read of Matthew chapter 5 through 7 and see how well you do at following Christ’s commands. Be honest as we look at our own lives and realize how we do not live as though we depend only on God for our sustenance and livelihood–we work and slave to store up wealth and property for our future instead of depending on God for our daily bread.  In doing so, we break a basic command of Christ.  All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God; we cannot earn any sort of salvation through our own actions.  It is only by His grace that we are saved through faith. 

    And that is not the half of it.  We cannot even believe in God without His help.  You may shake your head at that one, but if you do, take a moment to read 1 Corinthians chapter 12 and see that wonderful little snippet by St. Paul who says, “No one says Jesus is Lord except by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  You cannot even come to believe in Jesus on your own!  You can walk away on your own, but you certainly cannot believe in God through your own reason or strength.  You and I are totally dependent upon God not only for our salvation but for our very belief in Jesus Christ.

    So what does that mean?  I don’t know exactly what it means to you, but for me, it means that I am humbled.  I am totally dependent upon God, and I honor Him by following Him and the teachings of His Son who died for me.  And that Son was absolutely clear in His teachings: “Those who want to be first in the Kingdom of God must be last of all and servant of all.”  All, mind you.  Not just those who share the same belief, but we are called to love and serve all no matter what they believe–even if it is vastly different than what we believe.  We are to love others as God loved us.  Now, how is this possible?

    This was the exact same question Chris and I talked about as Heather’s life was coming to a close.  She and I had several conversations about this as she struggled with the question, “What should I do?”  The answer: love her.  Plain and simple.  Of course, Chris also witnessed to Heather.  Of course, she wanted her daughter to believe, but it was not her job to arm twist.  It was not her job to use her love or the revocation of her love as a tool of manipulation.  This is not what a parent does.  A parent never stops loving his or her children.  A parent never withdraws that kind of support.  But a parent also respects a child enough to allow that child to go his or her own way. 

    I’ve got three kids, 8, 7, and 5.  Do you think they do everything I tell them to do?  Of course not.  Does that mean I stop loving them?  Never.  You see at a certain point and time, a good parent realizes his or her children are independent.  They make their own decisions.  They blaze their own paths.  They choose to go their own ways.  Those ways may be very different than our own, but a good parent respects his or her children enough to allow them to go their own way.  And even though there may be disagreement, a parent loves and supports his or her child until death claims one or the other.  Chris showed that kind of love to Heather until the very end.  It’s what good parents do.

    It is what God does as well.  He loves us so much that He respects our choices–even if those choices take us away from Him; even if those choices lead us to cease believing in Him.  But that doesn’t mean He stops seeking us out.  That doesn’t mean He ever stops loving us.  He loves us to the very end.  Period.

    And now, we arrive at that crucial moment–that time where you may wish for me to announce Heather’s eternal resting place.  I must apologize for I am afraid I must disappoint you.  I am afraid the best answer I can tell you is that such a proclamation does not rest on me or in my hands.  It rests in the hands of One and One alone.  Such matters are now in God’s hands.  And thankfully, those are very good hands to rest such matters in.  Amen.