The scene plays out over and over again. Thousands of times each and every day. In many places, and in many settings. The characters are different, but the story line is the same.
A husband makes an offhand remark to his wife.
A boss is overly critical of an underling.
A student bad mouths a teacher.
Co-workers differ in their political understandings.
Diners receive poor service from a waiter or waitress.
A pastor says something that angers one of his parishioners.
The list can be exhaustive. Each situation demands a response, and what does our nature lead us to do?
The wife calls her friends and speaks ill of her husband.
The underling complains to his coworkers about how difficult his boss is.
The teacher complains to her colleagues about how unruly the student is.
Co-workers tell their friends how ignorant their fellow workers are.
Diners tell their friends to avoid the restaurant and in particular this waiter or waitress.
The parishioner calls up several members in the congregation and launches into a tirade about how poor the pastor is performing.
Soon, the commentary spreads. More and more people hear the complaints. More and more people become angry, anxious, and agitated. Sooner or later, the word finally gets back to the person who was the target of the original diatribe. Many times, the person is completely blind-sided by the attack. He or she becomes angry. And what does that person do? Does he or she go back to the person who started telling everyone in the first place?
Hardly. The person calls up a friend or family member, and the process gets started all over again. Doesn’t matter if it’s business, family, friends, or what have you. The dynamics are the same. And the consequences are dire. Relationships are strained and broken. Jobs can be compromised or lost. Ulcers develop and walls around hearts get built. Anyone familiar with such things happening?
I’m sure you are. I’m sure you have fallen victim to the process at some point or another. I am sure it wasn’t fun–or isn’t fun if you are going through it right now.
God knows it’s not fun. God knows it’s not right. That’s why He had Jesus instruct us on how we should act in the face of someone who sins against us.
Compare the above examples with the steps Jesus invites us to take when another member of the church sins against us. I think you will see that when it comes to handling our issues, we tend to do it backwards.
Jesus says, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one." Don’t call a friend. Even a trusted one.
Don’t post something to your Facebook status. Don’t email two or three confidants. Go directly to the person who offended you and tell them face to face. That’s step one.
I know this step is difficult. It’s not easy to confront someone who has made you feel like dirt. It’s not easy to confront someone who has made you angry. It’s not easy to confront someone who has made you feel smaller than small. But think about this for a moment. Jesus isn’t allowing you or me to be the victim. He is not allowing us to be less than human. He isn’t allowing us to feel sorry for ourselves. He is not only encouraging us to stand up for ourselves, He is demanding it! Running from problems is never the answer. Confronting them is. Even if those problems have two arms, two legs, a brain, and use words that hurt us. Jesus tells us to embrace bravery.
"But what if it doesn’t work?" you might ask. "What if I confront whoever it is and they don’t listen to me? What if they continue their verbal assaults and reconciliation does not occur?"
Well, that’s where your friends come in. And not the whole shooting match either. Again, not your entire Facebook family. Not your entire email tree. Not your entire personal phone book. No. Two or three. Get them together. Have another sit down–face to face. Another attempt to bring about healing to the relationship. Jesus puts it this way, "But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses."
Again Jesus doesn’t let us play helpless victims. He doesn’t let us wallow in our own misery. He invites us to build a case. Let witnesses be there to hear the conversation. Let them see things from their perspective. They might see something a little differently. They can confirm if you are right in your assessment. They can see if you are missing something. They are there for moral and physical support. And they are there to back you up if you have to take it to the next level.
Jesus says, "If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." If nothing else works, let the church in on the ordeal. Let the church render judgment. I find this particular aspect very interesting indeed in light of how things normally happen. Oftentimes, folks are willing to let the rumor mill get started in the church as long as it’s done secretly. Folks are willing to talk about stuff people did under the table, but when you ask them to bring it out in the open, they clam up. Why is that? I mean, here, Jesus gives us permission to air the dirty laundry out in the open, to bring cleansing to it. Why is it we want to keep things such a secret and spread stuff underground? Jesus says it’s healthier to get it out in the open, especially if the other person is doing something that is unhealthy. And when that unhealthiness is exposed, the other person has a choice: shape up or ship out. The church is supposed to treat such a person as an outsider–as someone who is not worthy of fellowship until that person repents. And isn’t repentance the overall goal? Isn’t getting a person to change unhealthy behavior the goal?
Well, maybe it should be. But perhaps when those rumors are spread, the ultimate goal isn’t reconciliation. Perhaps our motivations are less than healthy. Perhaps our motivations tend towards discrediting someone else. Making them feel as badly as we feel. Hurting them as we have been hurt. Perhaps this is why we do it backwards and not as Jesus teaches us.
"Well, Pastor," you might say. "That’s all well and good. I see your point when it comes to the church, but a whole lot of people who offend me and sin against me aren’t a part of this church. Some of them don’t even go to church, so while this teaching might be true, it’s pretty impractical in the midst of the situations I face."
O.K. So, if you really want to go there, I’ll even go one step further. I’ll take the step which says that Jesus gave us this instruction because it’s easier than the way He truly wants us to forgive. In all honesty, very few people on this planet can forgive like Jesus forgives. And how does Jesus forgive?
Pull out your Bibles, and I’ll show you. Turn to Luke chapter 23. Look at verses 33 and 34. Read them and see how Jesus forgives, " 33When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. 34Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."
Take a look at that! Did Jesus confront them with their sin? Did Jesus wait for them to admit their wrongdoing? Did Jesus go through that entire process He outlined? Nope. He took every bit of evil that was done to Him. He took every bit of cussing, spitting, demeaning talk and behavior. He took every lash of the whip; every pounding of the nail, and every prick of the thorn. And when they stood beneath Him mocking Him and casting lots for his clothes, He said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Do you want to take a hard look at Christian forgiveness? Then take a look at Jesus on the cross. Take a look at how our Lord handled such matters. And if you really want to deal with those who sin against you in the world differently; if you want to set yourself apart as one who could strike back but won’t; if you want to set an example of what it means to live and move with Jesus as your Lord, follow His example. Offer your forgiveness when others don’t deserve it. For that is the way of Christ. Difficult, I know. But try it and see how effective it might be. Amen.
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