Sometimes, I believe God works in our lives to prepare us for a specific moment in time. Along the way, we have experiences that mold us and make us and sculpt our thoughts so that when the time is right, we have a word to speak to someone who desperately needs to hear it. When that time finally arrives, I personally call it a God moment.
I have had several of those moments throughout my life and in the course of my ordained ministry. They are very powerful. They literally affect you deep within your soul.
Yesterday, I had such an experience, and I am still affected by it.
A young couple met with me to visit about their upcoming wedding and to discuss baptism. The young bride to be had lived her life in church and learning about the faith, but she had never been baptized. She wanted to be baptized and was wondering what all it entailed.
We spent a goodly amount of time talking about it, and as we were (as I thought at the time) finishing up the discussion, I asked, "Do you have any other questions?"
Then, a bombshell was dropped. One I didn't anticipate, but one I was prepared for.
The young lady had lost her father to a devastating heart attack a few years ago, and she took a risk and became vulnerable for a moment.
"I might not make it through this without crying...I'm still angry," she said. "Would that prevent me from being bapized? Will God hold that against me?"
A cry of anguish. At least that's what I saw. A cry from a young lady whose heart was ripped and torn when her father died. A gut wrenching, agonizing question of "Why?" And a deep wonder and bewilderment as to why God didn't save her father or why God took her father from her at such a young age.
Most of the time, we clergy are fixers. We want to fix things and make them right. Not only that, we are passionate about our relationship with God. We tend to believe we need to defend God and correct thoughts that aren't exactly right, and that especially goes for those who are angry with God. We want folks to love God and speak well of Him, so there is a quick emotional response when we see someone who is angry with God. But, if we have been equipped, we stop ourselves short. Sometimes, it's better not to defend. God is quite capable of that when the time is ripe. Sometimes, folks need to be angry and work through it. This is where I was led during that holy moment.
"Do you think God can handle your anger?" I asked.
The initial response was no. But after a few seconds, the thought sunk in. "Yes."
"Do you think God's shoulders are broad enough for Him to handle you being angry at Him?"
Again, "Yes."
"No amount of anger that you have can ever exceed the love that God has for you. It's just impossible. He will not allow your anger to overcome His love. He love you that much."
Pause.
"And, it's perfectly O.K. to be angry. It's one of the stages of grief. Just don't let your anger consume you. That's not healthy."
I don't remember the next few moments of conversation. I know we delved into her emotional state and her usual unwillingness to let out her emotions regarding her dad. We spoke some of how the anger is still there and refuses to go away. Somehow, we got back to the question of why, and I do remember what I said then.
"I can't answer the question of why. I just don't know. I wish I did, but here is what I do know. I know God understands. God knows what it is like to lose a loved one all too soon. Jesus' death on the cross wasn't just about forgiveness of sins. There's another part to it. Did Jesus deserve to die?"
"No."
"Was it justice that He was crucified?"
No.
"He was basically murdered. Was that right?"
No.
"And what did God do?"
Silence.
"On the third day, what did God do?"
"Raised him."
"Yes. God raised Jesus from the dead. In a very real way, God said that death wouldn't have the last word. Injustice wouldn't have the last word. God was going to take the wrongs that were done and make them right. God would have the last word, and it would be good. When the ugliness of life happens, God is moving and active working to make it right. I don't know why your dad died, but I believe God is somehow working to make things right. I don't know how that's going to come about. I won't even pretend to, but I believe God will at some point. That's where I stand."
Silence.
"I'd never heard it put that way before," she finally said with tears streaming down her face.
We talked some more. I remember bits and pieces. When all was said and done, I was wiped out. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.
I don't know what the end result will be of our conversation. I don't know if it will help in her healing process. I don't know if it will lessen her anger any at all. I just don't know.
But I do know the moment was pregnant with God's presence. I do know He was waging war against an enemy who will use despair, anger, and frustration to keep a soul from experiencing the love of God. I do know He was using me at that moment to wade through some deep almost impenetrable darkness to shine a light and plant a seed of hope.
I pray that seed will grow. I pray it will make a difference in this young woman's life. I pray it will bring soothing balm to her anger, and even though it might not get rid of it, I pray it will beat it back to a point where it will not consume her and prevent her from loving God and loving her neighbors.
I only wish I knew what the future is going to hold for her. Instead, I have to sit and wonder.
But God moments do that to you. They bring to you and make you wonder.
But I wouldn't trade them for the world.
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