Incognito Bullying

Incognito: adverb.  1.  With one's identity disguised or concealed.

I have been watching with great interest the ongoing situation with the Miami Dolphins.

For those who do not follow the NFL news:

Second year offensive lineman Jonathan Martin walked away from the team last week frustrated after two years of being bullied.  The ringleader of those who bullied Martin was teammate Richie Incognito--please see that I am not pointing to Incognito exclusively.  From what I read, the incident which broke the camel's back was an entire table getting up and walking away when Martin sat to eat with them.  This is not the work of one person, but of an environment which allows bullying.

The team has suspended Incognito indefinitely for his role in the bullying, especially in light of damning voice messages and texts left by Incognito on Martin's phone.  These are very graphic and explicit.

There have been some interesting reactions from others concerning this incident, highlighted in the article linked above.  No one is defending Incognito's actions--at least that I can see.

However, many are questioning Martin's reactions.

Why didn't he take on Incognito and go mano a mano?  Why didn't he physically stand up to the bullying and say "enough is enough."?

Yours truly handled bullies in such fashion when he was younger.  I didn't get into many fights when I was a kid.  Being taller than most kids had something to do with that, but I also would reach a certain point where I would handle matters for myself.  I would not allow a bully to go too far, plain and simple.

I was influenced by family members who told stories of being bullied in their youth.  One story had quite the impact as a family member told of being picked on and picked on and picked on.  Finally, having had his fill, one day, he turned and punched the bully square in the mouth.  End of bullying.

I've prepared my kids for such an eventuality.  My eldest was the recipient of bullying behavior at school.  A little boy was repeatedly picking on her and putting sand in her hair at recess.  We told her to tell the teachers (as we have been conditioned to do these days).  She apparently did, but no results were forthcoming.  She still came home with sand in her hair.  My wife and I then wrote a letter to the teachers, but I also sat down with my daughter.

"Now, sweetie, I want to tell you something.  I know __________ is picking on you and bullying you.  I know you are tired of it.  Mom and I wrote a letter to your teachers, and hopefully this will take care of it.  If it does not, I want you to tell me.  Then, and only if I tell you to.  Again, only if I tell you to, I want you to punch this guy as hard as you can.  I want you to slap him around and tell him you will not put up with his bullying anymore."

"But I will get in trouble."

"Yes, you will.  And there will be consequences at the school, but I want you to know, you will not get in trouble at home.  If I tell you to do it, you will not get in trouble here.  It will be okay for you to get in trouble at school, because that will end the bullying.  But remember, only if I tell you it's okay."

My daughter nodded.

Fortunately, nothing more happened.  The teachers handled the situation, and my daughter did not come home with sand in her hair again.

There is a point and time when standing up to a bully is the right thing to do, but I believe it's after all other alternatives have been exhausted.

I am not prone to violence, but if you push me to it as a last resort, I will.

Again, some wonder why Martin did not resort to such tactics.  I submit to you that he was exercising all options before resorting to violence.

You see, Martin is not a simple jock.  He went to Stanford University.  They are not known for their intellectual laziness at that particular university.  In all reality, Martin is probably a pretty smart guy.  He may have certain principles and values which lead him to be as non-violent as possible.  Handling things violently may not be in his nature, and so he seeks out other alternatives.

His alternative this time was to expose the bullying--bring it to the light of day.

Most bullies don't want their deeds to be noticed.  They will only perpetrate them surrounded by those who give the bully his or her power.  When exposed to others who have more authority and a better sense of right and wrong, the bully will stop.

This is exactly what happened when we exposed my daughter's being bullied to the teachers.  It stopped.

Martin exposed Incognito's bullying--and the bullying by teammates who acquiesced to Incognito's schemes.  Bringing them to the light of day has had profound consequences.

It has brought shame on Incognito.

It has brought shame on the Dolphin's organization.

It has brought shame on the NFL.

Is it any wonder why there are those who are saying Martin should have "manned up"?

They are part of this system which has allowed such behavior to continue on unabated.

Martin, in my estimation, has dared to shine a light deep into the recesses of the dark side of the NFL.  He has dared to challenge a system which makes allowances for improper behaviors.  He has dared to walk away instead of allow that system to continue to take advantage of his nature.  He is taking a path of non-violence, but one which will accord him ridicule.  He is exhausting all avenues before becoming physical.  Perhaps it would have been easier to simply fight it out, but in this manner, it could help bring healing to a system.

How?

By bringing things out into the open.  By refusing to let things continue on in secret.  By refusing to allow the bully to remain incognito.

Connect the Dots: Football and Church

(This post was inspired by a friend's post on Facebook.  The original post follows the story.)

Tom was worried about his friend Jim.  The two of them had been great supporters of the high school varsity football team.  For years, they attended games and cheered their team, but it was four weeks into the season, and Jim hadn't been to a game yet.  This was disturbing.  Tom decided to pay his friend a visit.

Tom: Jim, ol' buddy.  How you doing?

Jim: I'm fine, Tom.  Just fine.

Tom: Are you sure.  I haven't seen you at any of the games on Friday evenings.  Is something wrong?

Jim: Tom, I'm through with football games.  I just am not going to go anymore.

Tom: Can I ask why?  I mean, you used to go to every game.  You used to sit in the same spot and cheer long and loud.  Everyone counted on you being there.

Jim: I've got more than a few reasons, ol' buddy.  And it starts with the fans.  I love the team, but I can't stand the fans.  They've become rude and obnoxious.  If the referee makes a correct call against our team, they boo and hiss.  But if they see a ref overlook a call on the other team, they go ballistic!  They think the rules don't apply to them.  They are a bunch of hypocrites.  Not only are they hypocrites, the last time I went to a game, they weren't exactly nice to me.  Instead of saying, "Excuse me." when they walked past me, they simply trampled over my stuff.  A man told me to quit cheering when he was talking on his cell phone.  Excuse me!  We're at a football game for heaven's sake!  Put down your dadgum cell phone and support your team!

Tom:  Slow down there a minute, Jim.  People are people, you know?

Jim: Don't give me that, Tom.  People should know better.  They should have better manners than that.  They are representing the school when they do that.  I don't want to be associated with a bunch of uncouth, rude, and obnoxious hypocrites.  Neither do I want to be associated with any sort of fair-weather fans.  This bunch now a days--they have no loyalty or commitment.  Why, at one game I attended, more than half the fans got up and left when we were behind by three touchdowns.  What happened to sticking with your team win or lose?  And if the weather is too hot or too cold?  Gimme a break.  Only the parents come to see their kids, but don't inconvenience anyone with the weather, by God.  They'd rather sit at home instead of toughing things out.

Tom: I know, Jim.  I know.  Not everyone is that committed, but you aren't there for the fans.  You are there to support the team.  The team is most important.  You can't just support them from home.

Jim: Support.  Yeah, that's another thing.  I'm tired of getting nickled and dimed every time I go to the game.  I spend money on tickets.  I spend money on concessions.  Then they are always trying to get me to buy other stuff and paraphernalia--t shirts, jackets, stadium seats, coolers, koozies, you name it, they got it for sale.  Money, money, money.  All they want is my money.  You say support, but all I've started seeing is dollar signs.  It ain't right.

Tom: It's not like you can't afford it. 

Jim: That's beside the point.  I'm tired of them trying to get it out of me.  And it isn't just the football.  The band wants money.  The PTO wants money.  The booster club wants money.  Hell, they even let student groups in to do fundraisers.  The proverb is that a fool and his money are soon parted, but I won't be played for a fool.  I can use that money to support other causes.

Tom: But all that money does good.  It helps teach these kids character and responsibility and dedication to a cause greater than themselves.

Jim: Irrelevant.  What do I get out of it?  Not a darn thing.  Last year, the band started playing that new hip hop garbage that you hear on the radio.  No more good music.  Can't stand that stuff.  They changed the words to the alma matter, and that ticked me off.

Tom: They just made the language more inclusive for all students.

Jim: They gave in to that political correctness B.S.  That's all they did.  There was nothing wrong with things.  People understood what those words meant.  They were just getting rid of tradition.  Throw out all the old stuff for this new fangaled garbage.  I won't stand for it anymore.

Tom: But the coach is trying to uphold many of the traditions of the program. 

Jim: I liked the old coach better.

Tom: Yes, the old coach was good, but it was time for him to move on.  He did a great job, but this coach is taking the team to a new level.

Jim: By doing what?  He doesn't even teach the basic fundamentals anymore.  He's bringing in all that fancy garbage and stuff.  He isn't strict and demand discipline.  You can tell it in how the kids play.  He needs to be tougher and lay down the law.  We don't need any wusses up there. 

Tom: Why can't you give him a chance and see what happens?

Jim: There's a right way of doing things and a wrong way of doing things.  He's wrong, and that's that.

Tom: But this is your team.  You really need to come and support your team.  How can you support your team by simply sitting at home?

Jim: Well, I can still show my support.  I can go hunting and fishing and think about my team.  I can read about them in the paper and what they did.  I can watch other teams on t.v. and learn more about how the game is played and think about my own team.  It's not hard to support them that way.

Tom: That makes no sense, none at all.

None at all.

12 Reasons Why a Pastor Quit Attending Sports Events

1. The coach never came to visit me.
2. Every time I went, they asked me for money.
3. The people sitting in my row didn’t seem very friendly.
4. The seats were very hard.
5. The referees made a decision I didn’t agree with.
6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they only came to see what others were wearing!
7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
8. The band played some songs I had never heard before.
9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands.
10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway.
12. I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.