Back in the Saddle

 It feels good to be blogging again.

I have no idea if I will garner an audience again.  Over two years of silence is not conducive to building your brand.  😜 

But I am no longer blogging to build a brand anyway.  Lots has changed since I began this blog. Lots will no doubt change in the years ahead.  In a very real way, there has been a great reset, and that is why I also deleted all comments from my previous blogs and will no longer allow comments on future blogs.  I am not interested in internet battles which have no victors.  Most folks, as am I, are so seeped in our own convictions that we do not hear arguments.  I know that is the case for me in the past.  Reading old comments has taught me that.  If you want to dispute something I say, I am fine with that.  Write a blog tearing down my arguments.  I welcome that.  Perhaps we shall actually further debate that way.  Likely not, but that is a conversation for another time.

At this time, I would like to write a word or two for those who may happen upon my blog and have some curiosity as to why there is over a two year gap between posts.  Was it because I lost a love for writing, or for talking about the Christian faith, or did not have thoughts on current events?  Not in the least.  I voluntarily silenced myself because of church conflict.

Fortunately, I had been prepared for such a thing by mentors and classes that I had taken.  But classroom learning and deep conversations only take you so far.  When you are hit by wave  upon wave of false accusations, lies, innuendo, and outright demonic behavior, your mental, physical, and spiritual health suffer.  I am thankful that my health did not suffer as bad as it could have.  There are still moments...

Perhaps one day, I will describe the details of what happened to end my tenure at St. John Lutheran Church of Cat Spring.  Perhaps I will describe what happened to end a relationship that I held dear--for a pastor serving in a congregation is oftentimes like a marriage.  I loved that little church, and still do even though I fell out of favor with a small minority of people there.  Those people made my life and my family's life a living nightmare for a year or so, and that is why I stopped blogging.

There were several reasons contributing to my decision.  The first of which is that it was awful tempting to go into attack mode and air all my grievances.  Perhaps in decades past this would have been acceptable: to call out those who were attacking me; to strive to set the record straight.  Recently, I came upon a quote by John Calvin, "A pastor needs two voices: one to gather the sheep, and the other to drive off the wolves and thieves."  I think this is oh so true, but in our day and age, and in my particular denomination, a pastor who dare use a voice of driving away wolves and thieves would be considered angry, hostile, and unfit for ministry.  The days of a Luther who rebuffed his attackers with driving words and cagey insults are gone.  Instead, the Luthers of the world have been replaced by bishops and administrators who would prefer you to get scratched, bitten and eaten instead of defending yourself.  I provided undisputable proof of the lies that were told about me, and...crickets.  So, with no one to defend you and actually receiving criticism if you defend yourself, and the when anger builds...sometimes it is better for self-preservation to slide into silence.  Sometimes it is better to keep thoughts to yourself that you would like to express.  Sometimes it is better to just let things pan out instead of go on the offensive.  

In the big picture of things, I cannot complain.  The Lord led me to a place of soft landing--to a congregation where I can use more of my gifts for ministry; to a wonderful, picturesque setting, to being a part of a team of people who work together using strengths and weaknesses effectively for ministry.  I marvel at how our ministry team works together--a function that I had not been able to experience until now.  And so far, I do not have to worry about the other reason I muzzled myself.

No one is taking my words and warping them for their own purposes.  Geez, that happened so many times by those seeking my departure, it was not even funny.  Things that are of truth: comparing sin to cancer that grows and kills; saying that a portion of the book of Romans is a bit dark; apologizing that an air conditioning unit needed to be replaced.  All of these things were used against me to portray me as unfit; evil; uncaring; dictatorial.  Ah, and not to mention that some things were brought into public that were meant to be kept in confidence--nothing, mind you, that even crossed the line into inappropriate behavior.  There was a moment when I was fending off the wolves in a meeting that went into executive session...  But, it was still used against me.  When patterns of behavior develop in such a fashion; when your words are warped beyond the context you spoke them and they are used by people who should know better, when boundaries are crossed and confidentiality is broken, it is better to refrain from using words and allowing them to be misappropriated.  It is better to keep your mouth shut and speak only those things you are required to say.  There was enough material in my sermons to enrage those who were attacking me--not that I was trying to expose them in the least.  I wasn't.  The Law does a good enough job of that without my help, and as a Law/Gospel preacher...well, I hope you get the gist.

It has taken a couple of years to overcome the fear of speaking and writing once again.  It has taken that long to become comfortable in thought that the attacks will not come.  Perhaps they will.  Perhaps the reach of the internet will stoke the anger of those who attacked me, and once again they will become infuriated.  

But maybe not.  Maybe I now have an opportunity to type once again.  To share thoughts once again.  To reflect once again.  My words may indeed be warped, but comments are off, and I know what I said and what I meant.  And I will remember that as I climb back in the saddle.  I hope there will not be such a pause again...at least until I decide to retire from the ride.