We continue our sermon series this week on forgiveness. Just to recap last week: we discovered that scientists have discovered many physical and mental benefits with forgiveness. We also know that forgiveness is commanded by God and that the Bible tells us that if we don’t forgive, then we will not be forgiven. Yet, despite all of this, forgiveness is terribly difficult for us to practice. As we delved into the biblical understanding of forgiveness, we came to understand why: forgiveness means that we pay the cost when someone else wrongs us. We would rather obtain justice, revenge, or restitution when someone harms us. We would rather not pay that price ourselves. We concluded with a working definition of forgiveness that will guide us through the next several weeks: the change in our emotional state when we choose to absorb the cost of someone else’s actions that have hurt us.
Since we have a working definition of forgiveness, the next question becomes: how do we practice forgiveness? How do we overcome our natural tendencies toward justice, revenge, and demanding retribution and instead pay the cost of others’ wrong doings? Now, I am going to admit right here that I am working on the assumption that as Christians, you want to practice forgiveness; you want to follow the commands in scripture; you want to become better at practicing this common faith that we share. If that is indeed the case, we will proceed.
I find it very interesting that for such an important cornerstone to the Christian life, there really isn’t a whole lot of emphasis on how to forgive in the Bible. It is certainly commanded. It is certainly expected, but there isn’t much teaching on how it is to be accomplished. It would be nice if the Bible had a series of steps laid out: a three step program; a seven step program; a ten step program that would lay out the process of forgiveness so that we could simply walk step by step towards forgiveness. Alas, but no such list is to be found. The closest thing we get to a process can be found in Matthew chapter 18. There is a series of teachings by Jesus that directly relates to forgiveness.
The first part of those teachings, ironically, is a process–although it is not a process of forgiveness. Again, let’s go back to our working definition of forgiveness: the change in our emotional state when we choose to absorb the cost of someone else’s actions that have hurt us. Absorbing that cost is very, very difficult. It causes us hurt. It causes us grief. It causes us pain. It is not something we want to do. Furthermore, it seems to absolve the guilty party of responsibility. That is not necessarily a good thing.
I can remember growing up and having lot of friends who were Roman Catholic. Oftentimes some of them would go out partying on the weekends. I’d ask them about how they squared their actions with their faith. They’d usually say, “Well, I’ll just go to confession, and everything will be okay.” Forgiveness to them was cheap. It required nothing from them. It absolved them of responsibility. They simply continued their behavior. I think that you and I can agree that this is not optimal.
And so, Jesus begins his teachings on forgiveness with a confrontation of the sin. Jesus begins his teachings on forgiveness with the idea of getting someone who hurts you to take responsibility for his or her actions. Jesus says, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” Now, there are some important details to look at in this statement. First, Jesus says, “If another member of the church sins against you...” This is an important qualifier to this process Jesus is outlining. There is a difference between someone in the church and someone outside of the church. Within the church we are expected to take responsibility for our actions; we are expected to take responsibility for our sins; we are expected to make things right as best as we can with our fellow man. Therefore, when someone in the church sins against us, rather than immediately try and bear the cost of forgiveness, we are called to seek them out. We are called to try and clear the air.
This is very practical advice on one level. I mean, sometimes we hurt people without even realizing it. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever done or said something with the best of intentions only to have someone become very upset with what you have done? I’m reminded of the story of the Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: “Have you any grounds?” “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.” “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It made of concrete.” “I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?” “No, we have carport, and not need one.” “I mean what are your relations like?” “All my relations still in Poland.” “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.” “Does your wife beat you up?” “No, I always up before her.” “Why do you want this divorce?” “She going to kill me.” “What makes you think that?” “I got proof.” “What kind of proof?” “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: Polish remover.”
Okay, that’s a joke, and we all know it, but there is some seriousness to it. It’s a huge misunderstanding, and such misunderstandings can be cleared up very, very quickly in a private meeting between two people. In the church, this should be easier than it tends to be. And I know at least one of the reasons why. We’re afraid. We’re afraid to go talk to someone because we don’t like confrontation. We don’t like the thought that someone will be angry with us. We don’t like the idea that if we confront someone, we might be caused even more hurt. And so we let it fester. We let it simmer. We fail to confront. And it is not only to our detriment; it is also to the detriment of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
For you see, the translation that we have before us isn’t as accurate as it could be. Perhaps a better translation would be this, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have won that one.” Yes, regained should probably be translated “won”. This indicates that your fellow church member might be in danger of being lost. Your fellow brother or sister in Christ might be in danger of losing his or her salvation. This should be a revolting thought to any Christian. God desires no one to be lost, and Jesus is giving us the responsibility of restoring our brothers and sisters to faith. This is much more important and takes much greater precedence than our fear!
So, go. Speak privately with your brother. Speak privately with your sister. If the sin is named; if the air is cleared; you have regained your brother; you have regained your sister; and you no longer have to bear the cost of forgiveness. Your brother or sister has taken responsibility.
That’s the ideal. But you and I know that we don’t live in an ideal world. Oftentimes, confronting our brothers and sisters in their sin does not work. There is a huge tendency to justify our actions. “Why did you hit your brother?” “He was picking on me.” See the justification? “You just broke that picture frame by throwing the ball in the house.” “I didn’t mean to.” See the justification? “You shouldn’t say those kinds of things about other people.” “That’s just your opinion.” See the justification? Sometimes, our pride and arrogance gets in the way of us truly taking responsibility for our actions. And if you experience this when you confront someone who has hurt you, there is another step in the process. Involve others. Take another person or two to serve as witnesses.
And if that doesn’t work, bring it to the church. Notice that making things public in front of everybody is the last step in the process? Notice that talking about another person’s sin in front of everyone is forbidden until all other avenues have been exhausted? How backwards do we often practice Jesus words!!! How backwards do we often live this out!!! Oh how many conflicts and trials and broken relationships could be saved were we only to follow the instructions of our Lord and Savior!!
But we do also see before us that there is a time and a place for the church to render judgment. We also see before us that there is a time and a place for the church to draw lines in the sand between that which is right and that which is wrong. “If they do not listen to the church, treat them as a Gentile or a tax collector.” In the language of the day, this means treat them as an outsider. Treat them as one who does not belong to the fellowship. You have given them every single opportunity to repent; you have given them every single opportunity to admit their guilt; you have given them every single opportunity to take responsibility for their actions; and they have not accepted it. It’s time to move on. It’s time to move to the hard work of forgiveness–of paying for the other person’s actions toward you. You tried. You did what you could. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work out as it should.
And so let us close with a prayer from Desmond Tutu who worked very hard on reconciliation and forgiveness after apartheid came to an end in South Africa
I want to be willing to forgive
But I dare not ask for the will to forgive
In case you give it to me
And I am not yet ready
I am not yet ready for my heart to soften
I am not yet ready to be vulnerable again
Not yet ready to see that there is humanity in my tormentor’s eyes
or that the one who hurt me may also have cried
I am not yet ready for the journey
I am not yet interested in the path
I am at the prayer before the prayer of forgiveness
Grant me the will to want to forgive
Grant it to me not yet but soon
Can I even form the words
Forgive me?
Dare I even look?
Do I dare to see the hurt that I have caused?
I can glimpse all the shattered pieces of that fragile thing
That soul trying to rise on the broken wings of hope
But only out of the corner of my eye
I am afraid of it
And if I am afraid to see
How can I not be afraid to say
Forgive me?
Is there a place where we can meet?
You and me
The place in the middle
The no man’s land
Where we straddle the lines
Where you are right
and I am right too
And both of us are wrong and wronged
Can we meet there?
And look for the place where the path begins
The path that ends when we forgive. Amen.
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