Pastoral Frustration

Sometimes, I feel impotent.

Standing at the bedside of a child who won't wake up.  Searching for words of hope for her parents.  Words that will ease their anxiety and instill a sense of hope.  There are no words.

Holding the hand of an elderly woman who can't talk because of a stroke.  Having her squeeze and looking into eyes filled with frustration, with hopelessness, with tears.  Wanting to do something, say something that will tell her, "You will be o.k." even though you have no idea how this thing will turn out.

Standing in ICU watching a team of nurses move a man who had quadruple by-pass surgery from one bed to another.  Seeing pain.  Seeing shortness of breath.  Hearing his monitors beep warnings as blood pressure spikes, oxygen levels descend, and breathing becomes irregular.  Listening to the respiratory therapist tell him to cough to get rid of phlegm so that his lungs don't fill with fluid.

Watching the landscape here in Texas turn from lush green to dirty brown in a number of weeks as rain has refused to fall.  Every day and sometimes twice on Sunday beseeching the Lord to send rain to break the drought as I watch farmers and ranchers lose livestock and livelihood.

Prayer is appropriate in each of these circumstances.  Prayers were prayed each time, but sometimes those prayers feel like lead weights instead of incense.  They don't feel like they get anywhere.  I don't see any results.  Frustration mounts.  Faith wanes.

Yeah, you heard me right.  Faith wanes.  That same faith that if it were the size of a mustard seed would enable a person to tell a mountain to get up and go into the ocean and it would.  I wish I had a mustard seed faith, but at times it seems like it disappears--or becomes so minuscule it is less than the size of an atom.

I resonate with St. Paul, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." --Romans 8:26.

Sometimes in the situations listed above, I wish I could just shut up.  I wish I had the option of telling people, "I don't know how to pray in this situation!  Nothing seems to be working!  Just let me sit and be and wrestle with what to say!  Because I got nothing!"

Maybe in that moment of frustration, the Spirit will begin His intercession.  Maybe He will do His marvelous work despite what is going on inside me and inside all those around who are even more frustrated than I am.  For in each of these cases there are those who are closer to these situations than I who are even more frustrated.  Maybe we all need to recognize this--recognize our weakness--recognize our inability to put together the words, to articulate our frustration in not receiving what we ask for.  Perhaps we just need to sit in silence and let the Spirit work.

At the very least, perhaps our frustration will dissipate.

And maybe, just maybe our faith will grow.