My most recent moment came while reading Timothy Keller's book Counterfeit Gods.
Things started out innocuous enough. Keller talks about how to recognize your counterfeit gods by stating:
A counterfeit god is anything so central and essential to your life that, should you lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living...An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, "If I have that, then I'll feel my life has meaning, then I'll know I have value, then I'll feel significant and secure." pg. xvii
After these words in his introduction, Keller begins addressing some of the main gods our society reveres. I had no disagreement with Keller's lists, and I recognized the times when I have slipped dealing with the gods of money and sexuality. But according to Keller's definition, I have only slipped. Neither of these were things I dream about incessantly in my heart of hearts.
That was before Keller's foot met my face. Keller penned an entire chapter just for me when he spoke of the counterfeit god: success.
As I read this chapter, I knew I was meeting the proverbial hammer of the law. I realized how much I crave success. I knew this because in a conversation with a friend over lunch, I was asked about what my next dream would be.
I had recently accomplished the dream of owning a Ford Mustang GT, and I have relished driving it. My friend wondered what would be next. That's when I revealed my craving for success and what I would do with it.
I responded with something like this:
This dream is not according to God's will or His plan. It is strictly what I would like to see happen if I had my way. I'd love to see my congregation grow to over a thousand members with a worship attendance of over 500 per Sunday. I'd love to have programs and stuff galore happening all over the place, and then look at all those who told me that such things could only be done a certain way and thumb my nose at them.
(At least I had the thought to say this wasn't according to God's will to preface my "dream.")
Now, think about what I said and this quote from Keller:
More than other idols, personal success and achievement lead to a sense that we ourselves are god, that our security and value rest in our own wisdom, strength, and performance. To be the very best at what you do, to be at the top of the heap, means no one is like you. You are supreme. pg. 75
When I read that statement, it brought me to my knees. I came face to face with my counterfeit god. I want...I crave being a "successful" pastor. And now, I see the trap the Evil One has laid out for me.
A congregation which truly reaches out with the Gospel of Jesus Christ will find itself growing. It will find itself thriving as it seeks God's Kingdom and its implementation in this world. As a church follows the Great Commission and teaches others about Jesus Christ, mission and ministry will multiply. In our society, such a church is defined as successful. And it is a very easy thing for a pastor to cross that line and think the growth is because of him or her--especially when there are so many voices telling clergy that we must lead and offer leadership.
One can easily stop and say, "Look what my leadership did!" And Satan's trap slams shut and is complete.
I know a church does not grow because of the pastor. I know it grows because of God's Spirit working in and through it. I know without the power of God in word and deed, a church will flounder. Yet, there is part of me which wants to take credit for what is done--even if it makes success a counterfeit God.
But after getting kicked in the teeth, I'm rethinking my dream. I'm asking, "God, what is your dream for this congregation that I serve? What are we meant to do? What are we meant to be? Are we meant to continue growing? Are we meant to become a huge congregation with multiple ministries, multiple staff, and multitudes of activities? And if we do grow and burst at the seams, is there really a need to "rub noses in it"?
No, not if we are doing things to the glory of God.
Somewhere, I lost that little snippet. Somewhere in my own anger and sinfulness, I became more concerned about how others say church should be done. Somewhere in my own desire to prove myself better than the rest of those folks out there, I began worshiping a counterfeit god.
Not good. Not good at all.
So, on vacation, I began working to purge such thoughts from my mind. I began intentionally engaging in study and worship and silence and solitude. I started to focus on my relationship with God so that these desires are forced to flee.
I don't need to rub anyone's nose in anything. I need to be pointing to Jesus.
Thank you, Lord, that through Timothy Keller, you kicked me in the teeth. I needed it.
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