Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Rant from a Ticked-Off Pastor

You might want to stop reading right here.  I am going to let off some steam.  It won't be pretty.  I am sure more than one or two folks might get offended.  I apologize now.  I hope you will forgive.

This morning, I received a phone call from some folks who joined the church about five years ago.  They indicated to me their desire to transfer to another congregation in the area.  The move is not surprising.  They've been church hopping about every five or so years from one church to another.  It's kind of like in their DNA, I guess.  I should keep this in mind, and I shouldn't get upset.

But I am.

Ticked-off is more like it.

I really don't want to be.  I don't want to be angry this couple left.  I don't want to be upset at them or at anyone else, but I just am.  And here's why:

This couple has been outspoken in their opposition to the ELCA's decision to ordain practicing gays/lesbians.  They weren't happy about it at all and have made their voices known.  Yours truly believes that even though people disagree on issues, they can still worship and fellowship together in a congregation.  Yours truly worked diligently to find a way these folks--and the others who disagreed with CWA 2009--could maintain their relationship with the congregation without feeling like they had to support the decision. 

After almost a year of struggle, I helped lead the congregation to a point where this could happen.  It seemed like things were over.  It seemed like we'd managed to put the issue behind us.  But I was wrong. 

Not being satisfied with the congregation's decision, this couple continued to find other things to poke at in the ELCA.  I noticed their absence in worship for the last several weeks, culminating in today's phone call.  They cited several other things regarding their decision to leave: an action by the synod's bishop toward one of their friends, the Episcopal Church's decision to bless gay relationships, and the belief the ELCA would follow that path.  (I personally believe the ELCA will indeed do just this thing.  Already a local pastor has preached and posted a sermon to that very effect.)  "The handwriting's on the wall," the guy said.

As I think about this, the angrier I get.  Fruits of the flesh take over.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I'm trying to head in the other direction.  I'm trying to focus on love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, and self-control.  That last one is getting particularly difficult.

I want to lash out.

I want to attack.

I want to go after all the perceived wrongs I feel were committed against me and what I had going here--wrongs I feel I had absolutely no power to address.

I want to tell those who left, "Can't you see how I am bending over backwards trying to keep this congregation focused and provide a place where disagreement can take place?  Can't you appreciate how I put my butt on the line knowing I was ticking off some folks just to make you feel welcome?"

I want to tell those who rejoiced at passing the CWA 2009 and who are gearing up to push for the blessing of same-sex relationships, "Thank you for driving off my members.  You weren't content to go start your own denomination.  You felt you had to change this one despite the consequences of your actions."

I want to tell myself, "You dumb a$$.  Why were you worried about trying to keep everyone together?  In our politically charged environment, that's an impossibility.  What makes you think you are so special that your mere preaching and trying to teach such things would have an impact even in your little church?  You should have just picked a side and stayed there instead of trying to go another direction.  It would have been much easier and much less painful."

And so I sit and stew.

I know the irrationality of my thoughts.  I know the Devil's laughing at me right now, thinking, "Got another one thinking he's tough stuff and above all this happening.  Got him feeling sorry for himself and the perfect little world he thought he was living in.  Got him feeling self-righteous, pompous, and angry.  Close it up.  He'll tick off others, divide the congregation, and we'll win another round."

Maybe they will.  Maybe they won't.

I'm counting on my friends, family, and congregation understanding just a smidgen.  I'm counting on the belief they are forgiving--even when I'm having a hard time doing so.  I'm counting on the belief that when I am having weak moments, they are strong and offering their prayers for me to become stronger.  I hope my belief is well founded.  I've been known to be very, very wrong.

Yeah, if you actually read this and have gotten upset, I'm sorry.  I put myself out there.  You now know the inner workings of my brain and my feelings.  Not to pretty, are they?

Perhaps tomorrow, as I head to Austin for my last continuing education class of this semester, things will clear up.  Perhaps I'll find myself not as ticked off.  Perhaps all will be well with the world.

I can only hope God gives me the grace to feel that way.  Right now, I'm ticked.

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